I was so happy to see you'd written about Babygirl. This film certainly made me feel "something, *anything*" (unlike so many other movies including some touted as masterpieces), and I too felt torn about the narrative following a familiar path of "woman acts on core desires and is punished for it" and the ending where she's back with her husband apparently enjoying a "BDSM lite" version of her natural proclivities. On one level, this did feel realistic to me: She found someone in Samuel who embodied the raw polarity she craved, someone with whom she resonated on an instinctual level that allowed for a level of surrender she absolutely hungered for. But he was immature and undeveloped in ways that made him untrustworthy, even unsafe, at least emotionally. He became the projection of a daddy figure who had the power to fulfill her secret/long-unmet needs, but the center couldn't hold. The film did an incredible job in certain sex scenes creating a sense of "subspace" even for the viewer (well, not for the avoidant sweater-shopper, but certainly for me!). And then when Nicole Kidman's character starts unraveling and her life blows up, I again felt like this could be seen as realistic... But it was nonetheless disappointing. I appreciated the scene where the husband loses it and looks into Samuel's eyes for some kind of refuge – I've had a similar experience where a partner was more able to find comfort in the "other man" who posed a threat rather than the woman who was the perceived betrayer. And then the last scene, with husband and wife finding some kind of compromise (?) was both moving in a way (speaking as someone who HAS communicated "abnormal" desires very clearly with a long-term partner but has not yet found a mutually fulfilling path to expression) and also annoying. I think I was still feeling the disgust Nicole Kidman's character had conveyed so distinctly earlier in the film, when she bats away his "spidery" hands. I feel like it maybe would have been equally annoying though if her character had walked away from her marriage and into the proverbial sunset as if that was a happy ending – I think either way, she's losing something that feels vital to who she is. In that way, I suppose the movie said something about the possibility of fulfilling desires (at least to some degree) without having to embark on an "alternative lifestyle" that sacrifices other priorities (like an intact family unit). Maybe the act of owning her own desires opened up a latent energy in her husband that now has freedom to express within their relationship. That's what I hope for her, anyway – and, if I'm honest, for myself.
Oof yes to all of this— and I agree, the film does say something about how women are so often torn between a few different types of fantasies/attachments. I felt this too so much and it actually really bothered me at times: "he was immature and undeveloped in ways that made him untrustworthy, even unsafe, at least emotionally." But I really appreciate what you point out here about how the empowered ending of her walking away probably would have rung hollow too— I think this all says a lot about the limited narratives we have for women!
Totally agree. And now that I've sat with it a bit more and let myself imagine alternate endings, I am so interested in what it could have looked like for her to pursue what's true for her beyond the cliche of blowing up her family and being maligned by her husband and daughters. Her kids would still be her kids if she created a life that felt more aligned with her needs and desires. Her husband could be a friend and family member, since that's probably more what he had become anyway. She could be free to find someone more mature and capable of co-creating a conscious container for their shared intensity. I don't have kids myself, but this is certainly the type of film/novel I'd like to write!
Commenting again because I was thinking about these same ideas in Nightbitch! I was really annoyed when she went back to her husband at the end of that movie.
I’m so grateful you wrote about this. I saw it over the weekend and I, too, was struck —but not surprised—by the audience reactions: giggling, disgust, dissociation. It’s stimulated such rich and sometimes tense conversation with the people I’m around.
This line, “It depicts how the desire for a normal marital sex life—and the desire to confirm that one’s sexuality is normal—can actually kill desire itself.”
I didn't even mention the guy who straight-up booed at the end credits— my friend Tracy Clark-Flory (who I saw the film with) wrote that this made her like the movie even more. Me too!
Of course he did.🙄 my theater had a couple people who were close to that display. It was getting me heated, honestly 😂 it was an anthropological experience just to watch the reactions. I may have to go again just to observe that part of it.
Also, I love Tracy’s work! The thought of yall watching this together sends me in the best way.
I was so happy to see you'd written about Babygirl. This film certainly made me feel "something, *anything*" (unlike so many other movies including some touted as masterpieces), and I too felt torn about the narrative following a familiar path of "woman acts on core desires and is punished for it" and the ending where she's back with her husband apparently enjoying a "BDSM lite" version of her natural proclivities. On one level, this did feel realistic to me: She found someone in Samuel who embodied the raw polarity she craved, someone with whom she resonated on an instinctual level that allowed for a level of surrender she absolutely hungered for. But he was immature and undeveloped in ways that made him untrustworthy, even unsafe, at least emotionally. He became the projection of a daddy figure who had the power to fulfill her secret/long-unmet needs, but the center couldn't hold. The film did an incredible job in certain sex scenes creating a sense of "subspace" even for the viewer (well, not for the avoidant sweater-shopper, but certainly for me!). And then when Nicole Kidman's character starts unraveling and her life blows up, I again felt like this could be seen as realistic... But it was nonetheless disappointing. I appreciated the scene where the husband loses it and looks into Samuel's eyes for some kind of refuge – I've had a similar experience where a partner was more able to find comfort in the "other man" who posed a threat rather than the woman who was the perceived betrayer. And then the last scene, with husband and wife finding some kind of compromise (?) was both moving in a way (speaking as someone who HAS communicated "abnormal" desires very clearly with a long-term partner but has not yet found a mutually fulfilling path to expression) and also annoying. I think I was still feeling the disgust Nicole Kidman's character had conveyed so distinctly earlier in the film, when she bats away his "spidery" hands. I feel like it maybe would have been equally annoying though if her character had walked away from her marriage and into the proverbial sunset as if that was a happy ending – I think either way, she's losing something that feels vital to who she is. In that way, I suppose the movie said something about the possibility of fulfilling desires (at least to some degree) without having to embark on an "alternative lifestyle" that sacrifices other priorities (like an intact family unit). Maybe the act of owning her own desires opened up a latent energy in her husband that now has freedom to express within their relationship. That's what I hope for her, anyway – and, if I'm honest, for myself.
Oof yes to all of this— and I agree, the film does say something about how women are so often torn between a few different types of fantasies/attachments. I felt this too so much and it actually really bothered me at times: "he was immature and undeveloped in ways that made him untrustworthy, even unsafe, at least emotionally." But I really appreciate what you point out here about how the empowered ending of her walking away probably would have rung hollow too— I think this all says a lot about the limited narratives we have for women!
Totally agree. And now that I've sat with it a bit more and let myself imagine alternate endings, I am so interested in what it could have looked like for her to pursue what's true for her beyond the cliche of blowing up her family and being maligned by her husband and daughters. Her kids would still be her kids if she created a life that felt more aligned with her needs and desires. Her husband could be a friend and family member, since that's probably more what he had become anyway. She could be free to find someone more mature and capable of co-creating a conscious container for their shared intensity. I don't have kids myself, but this is certainly the type of film/novel I'd like to write!
YES! Would love to see more narratives about women pursuing what they want that don’t equal a family blowup!
Wow! This was an amazing, amazing critique! I loved reading it and am so grateful you wrote it!
Commenting again because I was thinking about these same ideas in Nightbitch! I was really annoyed when she went back to her husband at the end of that movie.
I’m so grateful you wrote about this. I saw it over the weekend and I, too, was struck —but not surprised—by the audience reactions: giggling, disgust, dissociation. It’s stimulated such rich and sometimes tense conversation with the people I’m around.
This line, “It depicts how the desire for a normal marital sex life—and the desire to confirm that one’s sexuality is normal—can actually kill desire itself.”
yes yes yes. Thank you, as always 💛💛
I didn't even mention the guy who straight-up booed at the end credits— my friend Tracy Clark-Flory (who I saw the film with) wrote that this made her like the movie even more. Me too!
Of course he did.🙄 my theater had a couple people who were close to that display. It was getting me heated, honestly 😂 it was an anthropological experience just to watch the reactions. I may have to go again just to observe that part of it.
Also, I love Tracy’s work! The thought of yall watching this together sends me in the best way.
Tracy is the best!! And yeah the audience reactions to this film in particular say so much about where we are 👀