The psychological notion of the puer is another iteration of this Peter Pan idea. I've only encountered it in a single former partner and it was, honestly, a bizarre experience.
Basically, he had formed very strongly held dreams/notions around love and work when he was in his late teens/early twenties that were based in very adolescent emotional understandings of himself and definitely women. And despite repeated experiences where those ideas proved untenable in an adult context, he patently refused to grow up. He made the sorts of choices a 17-year old would make over and over again, stubbornly refusing to be gainsaid, whether or not those choices screwed his children and left him unmoored. He had this sort of rabid idealism, and this perennial martyrdom. Like if he had to be an adult he was going to be dragged through it kicking and screaming. Except he was of the passive sort, so there was no kicking or screaming. There was just a refusal to participate in anything that might smack of adulthood, accompanied by an insistence that he was somehow being virtuous and high-minded. For instance, *he* would never deign to own property (What sort of colonialist capitalist nonsense was that?!?) but he was happy enough to get involved with single women who were homeowners that he could live with. Kept his hands clean and his body taken care of, if you get what I'm saying.
Why was I even with him? He was a writer. He was super cute. I cared about his kids. I believed him when he said he loved me. And I assumed everyone has to grow up eventually. But not, it turns out, middle class White guys. They can always find some woman to wipe their ass and call it love. He's married to her now.
Thank you for this clarifying article. I just watched the final episode last night and Clays mom Rita’s cogent insight run adjacent to this last point-Women. Are. Not. Here. For. Your. Growth. And while histories, lineages, traumas, early wounds are real and impactful, (saying this to Clays dad and other men who struggle too turn towards their own accountability/harm they’ve caused to others!), don’t diminish your own capacity for change-your own human agency! YOU CAN BE BETTER and don’t need a woman to do it! I found that convo btw them the most compelling moment of all six seasons!
That moment was really amazing, yes! Rita knows. And the father’s understated response was also really moving. The whole family seemed so wise so it was weird to see Clay villainized for doing the right thing!
Totally…I’ll be curious to see the reunion. Hopefully with space AD (and the discourse) will be able to hold the multiple truths there…I think it was likely just so mortifying and emotionally exhausting and sadly that then gets written on to their relationship and read as rejection rather than the skillful, discerning decision it is/was. Also this show!!! It is DYING for a critical analysis!!!! (And also allergic to it per the producers!)
The psychological notion of the puer is another iteration of this Peter Pan idea. I've only encountered it in a single former partner and it was, honestly, a bizarre experience.
Oh say more!
Basically, he had formed very strongly held dreams/notions around love and work when he was in his late teens/early twenties that were based in very adolescent emotional understandings of himself and definitely women. And despite repeated experiences where those ideas proved untenable in an adult context, he patently refused to grow up. He made the sorts of choices a 17-year old would make over and over again, stubbornly refusing to be gainsaid, whether or not those choices screwed his children and left him unmoored. He had this sort of rabid idealism, and this perennial martyrdom. Like if he had to be an adult he was going to be dragged through it kicking and screaming. Except he was of the passive sort, so there was no kicking or screaming. There was just a refusal to participate in anything that might smack of adulthood, accompanied by an insistence that he was somehow being virtuous and high-minded. For instance, *he* would never deign to own property (What sort of colonialist capitalist nonsense was that?!?) but he was happy enough to get involved with single women who were homeowners that he could live with. Kept his hands clean and his body taken care of, if you get what I'm saying.
Why was I even with him? He was a writer. He was super cute. I cared about his kids. I believed him when he said he loved me. And I assumed everyone has to grow up eventually. But not, it turns out, middle class White guys. They can always find some woman to wipe their ass and call it love. He's married to her now.
Thank you for this clarifying article. I just watched the final episode last night and Clays mom Rita’s cogent insight run adjacent to this last point-Women. Are. Not. Here. For. Your. Growth. And while histories, lineages, traumas, early wounds are real and impactful, (saying this to Clays dad and other men who struggle too turn towards their own accountability/harm they’ve caused to others!), don’t diminish your own capacity for change-your own human agency! YOU CAN BE BETTER and don’t need a woman to do it! I found that convo btw them the most compelling moment of all six seasons!
That moment was really amazing, yes! Rita knows. And the father’s understated response was also really moving. The whole family seemed so wise so it was weird to see Clay villainized for doing the right thing!
Totally…I’ll be curious to see the reunion. Hopefully with space AD (and the discourse) will be able to hold the multiple truths there…I think it was likely just so mortifying and emotionally exhausting and sadly that then gets written on to their relationship and read as rejection rather than the skillful, discerning decision it is/was. Also this show!!! It is DYING for a critical analysis!!!! (And also allergic to it per the producers!)