I am reminded of a quote I recently read by Agnes Varda in Filming Desire: "You are never powerless. The world may try to tell you that your worth is in how you are seen -- how you are looked at, judged, and consumed. But you are not just something to be observed. You have the power to look back. To see the world on your own terms. The first feminist act is to shift from being watched to watching. To step out of the role of the object and become the observer, the thinker, the one who decides what matters. Power is not just in being seen -- it is in seeing, in naming, in defining the world for yourself rather than letting it define you."
It feels so apt and relevant for a conversation of libido that frames the problem as "in a woman's head".
What an astute and critical assessment. Thank you for sharing this piece with us.
Historically, European women in parts of the Middle Ages were thought to be the gender with naturally high libido while men were the more ‘reasonable’ gender. Ideas about libido are cultural.
My libido, if you define it as genuine desire for embodied experience, is much stronger now, at 53, than it was when I was younger, while at the same time I'm having a lot less sex. Genuine desire, in my experience, is predicated on freedom-- the freedom to choose and want, to say yes and no at any moment without fear of negative consequence.
From that perspective, how could women *not* experience low libido within the context of a culture that is built, in large part, on their subordination and subjugation? Wanna improve your level of desire? Work on getting free. Like at the end of Dying for Sex when the hospice nurse enthusiastically states that our bodies know how to die, our bodies know how to desire. If we can remove the social, political, and interpersonal barriers to freedom and autonomy they'll just do what they do-- want all kinds of things.
Not like that's easy. It's the hardest thing. But, it seems to me, the only real answer.
This essay and your comment make me think of Audre Lorde's essay on the erotic... i hear the opening of her essay echoing in what you're saying. ... It makes me glad at least that "they" (influencers, the zeitgeist, whoever) are using the word "libido" instead of hijacking the word erotic.
Sadly, there is already a lot of "erotic" content out there! Most of it follows some variation on libido + spirituality + gender binary = erotic feminine formula.
“Genuine desire is predicated on freedom….the freedom to choose and want, to say yes and no at any moment without fear of negative consequences.” WOW. Yes. That is such a great point. Thank you.
The same day you published this, Dr. Jen Gunter, on Substack, published "New Tool To Treat Low Desire" (https://vajenda.substack.com/p/new-tool-to-treat-low-desire), and the articles showed up back to back in my Inbox. Must be something in the zeitgeist. Her's is the medical perspective and potential new treatment, but I really appreciate your writing on this as well. I think it's important to talk/write about, as you have, why exactly this is on women, unless ofc it is something that they genuinely have concerns about versus the focus being solely on what their heterosexual partner needs/desires which has now turned it into the woman's problem.
I’ll say more about the sex drugs in a future essay too because there is a lot to unpack—especially how differently the drugs are formulated for women vs men.
Love this and can’t wait to read all in the series. And love that it is here where we can discuss in community (f$&k that other publication!). I also wonder how much our societal story of what a sexy body looks like and who is valuable in a sexual way (aka looks) impacts our desire too. There are so few stories of real people being sexual that we see in the media and subconsciously it is hard to not disqualify ourselves from pleasure we might want because we don’t feel like we fit the box of who “gets” that pleasure.
I am thinking about this in terms of the normalization of ED/Viagra drugs for men. I don't have a particularly hot take, but I appreciate you showing the limits of extending the medicalized model for men to women.
Something that’s really important to note too is that Viagra is a medication that only treats blood flow. Women’s sex drugs are mild antidepressants that treat the brain!!
I find this very interesting...seems that even in the medical world for men the problem is of course "mechanical" but for women is pathologised...complicated and a "flaw" in our heads rather than a flaw with how we see and value desire! I read somewhere that for a woman foreplay starts during the day and not just before the act itself - perhaps that's the real issue with our long suffering libido!
Brilliant beginning to a very ignored topic: What do women actually WANT, and moreover why are we expected to want what other's tell us to be the norm. I look forward to reading the rest of the series.
I am reminded of a quote I recently read by Agnes Varda in Filming Desire: "You are never powerless. The world may try to tell you that your worth is in how you are seen -- how you are looked at, judged, and consumed. But you are not just something to be observed. You have the power to look back. To see the world on your own terms. The first feminist act is to shift from being watched to watching. To step out of the role of the object and become the observer, the thinker, the one who decides what matters. Power is not just in being seen -- it is in seeing, in naming, in defining the world for yourself rather than letting it define you."
It feels so apt and relevant for a conversation of libido that frames the problem as "in a woman's head".
What an astute and critical assessment. Thank you for sharing this piece with us.
Love this so much.
Thank you for sharing that quote. It stirred something in me.
Historically, European women in parts of the Middle Ages were thought to be the gender with naturally high libido while men were the more ‘reasonable’ gender. Ideas about libido are cultural.
My libido, if you define it as genuine desire for embodied experience, is much stronger now, at 53, than it was when I was younger, while at the same time I'm having a lot less sex. Genuine desire, in my experience, is predicated on freedom-- the freedom to choose and want, to say yes and no at any moment without fear of negative consequence.
From that perspective, how could women *not* experience low libido within the context of a culture that is built, in large part, on their subordination and subjugation? Wanna improve your level of desire? Work on getting free. Like at the end of Dying for Sex when the hospice nurse enthusiastically states that our bodies know how to die, our bodies know how to desire. If we can remove the social, political, and interpersonal barriers to freedom and autonomy they'll just do what they do-- want all kinds of things.
Not like that's easy. It's the hardest thing. But, it seems to me, the only real answer.
This essay and your comment make me think of Audre Lorde's essay on the erotic... i hear the opening of her essay echoing in what you're saying. ... It makes me glad at least that "they" (influencers, the zeitgeist, whoever) are using the word "libido" instead of hijacking the word erotic.
Sadly, there is already a lot of "erotic" content out there! Most of it follows some variation on libido + spirituality + gender binary = erotic feminine formula.
Gross!
So gross!!
I hope if influencers ever try to hijack the word erotic that the ghost of Audre Lorde will go absolute poltergeist on their asses.
“Genuine desire is predicated on freedom….the freedom to choose and want, to say yes and no at any moment without fear of negative consequences.” WOW. Yes. That is such a great point. Thank you.
The same day you published this, Dr. Jen Gunter, on Substack, published "New Tool To Treat Low Desire" (https://vajenda.substack.com/p/new-tool-to-treat-low-desire), and the articles showed up back to back in my Inbox. Must be something in the zeitgeist. Her's is the medical perspective and potential new treatment, but I really appreciate your writing on this as well. I think it's important to talk/write about, as you have, why exactly this is on women, unless ofc it is something that they genuinely have concerns about versus the focus being solely on what their heterosexual partner needs/desires which has now turned it into the woman's problem.
I’ll say more about the sex drugs in a future essay too because there is a lot to unpack—especially how differently the drugs are formulated for women vs men.
Really good! Thank you for this - it's given me much to think about and possibly try to explain to my husband?
Love this and can’t wait to read all in the series. And love that it is here where we can discuss in community (f$&k that other publication!). I also wonder how much our societal story of what a sexy body looks like and who is valuable in a sexual way (aka looks) impacts our desire too. There are so few stories of real people being sexual that we see in the media and subconsciously it is hard to not disqualify ourselves from pleasure we might want because we don’t feel like we fit the box of who “gets” that pleasure.
Mmm yes!
Thank you for sharing this series here. Sorry the mainstream publication of it fell through.
I am thinking about this in terms of the normalization of ED/Viagra drugs for men. I don't have a particularly hot take, but I appreciate you showing the limits of extending the medicalized model for men to women.
Something that’s really important to note too is that Viagra is a medication that only treats blood flow. Women’s sex drugs are mild antidepressants that treat the brain!!
I find this very interesting...seems that even in the medical world for men the problem is of course "mechanical" but for women is pathologised...complicated and a "flaw" in our heads rather than a flaw with how we see and value desire! I read somewhere that for a woman foreplay starts during the day and not just before the act itself - perhaps that's the real issue with our long suffering libido!
Oh boy! 19th Century echoes...
so good as always, A <3
Thanks Janet!
Brilliant beginning to a very ignored topic: What do women actually WANT, and moreover why are we expected to want what other's tell us to be the norm. I look forward to reading the rest of the series.
I really enjoyed this essay. Look forward to the rest of the series.