All of this. And also the collective has decided to take everything as a personal attack. I think examining why a pop star’s comments on a podcast are so triggering is the kind of work so many are unwilling to do.
Chappell declared herself to have lost to the light in her own eyes earlier in the interview, when talking about how her work and fame have affected her. There’s always a bigger picture. I imagine many people throwing Roan under the minivan haven’t even listened to the whole interview.
Great writing, Amanda, thank you. For me this debate always boils down to, 'Complaints about motherhood by straight women are often, in large part, complaints more rooted in the domestic inequity of heterosexual marriage and the failures of the nuclear family as a social and economic unit, rather than the work of caring for children.'
But also, there is no quota for writing. For those who are 'calling for' more positive depictions of motherhood, write them. Why waste time calling when you could be writing? Go forth and depict!
I mean, first off, anyone who doesn't understand that if you think you can come for Chappell Roan you have chosen the wrong woman is clearly not paying attention.
Also, I'm reminded of when my oldest was a nursing infant. I came into motherhood with so many culturally-encouraged expectations of the sort of mother I would be (absolutely committed, totally blissed out, happily nurturing 24/7) piled on top of a lifetime of untreated trauma at the hands of men (both family and not). The demands of (and judgments inherent in) attachment parenting, which I attached *myself* to like a drowning woman on a bit of flotsam, and on-demand breastfeeding flew in the face of the tiny bit of autonomy I had managed to claim for myself by that point in my life. In my adult-to-adult relationships, I was clear that NO ONE got to touch me and hurt me at the same time, but now I was supposed to be at the beck and call of a baby who needed intimate access to my body 24 hours a day, regardless if I was dangerously exhausted or the nursing literally hurt because of sores/infection or the child was teething and decided mommy was an appropriate chew toy?
I loved my son more than I had ever loved anyone. When it was sweet it was the sweetest. But when it was that ^^^, it was hell. And there was no one to take that to in order to make sense of it so I wouldn't just feel like a failure. My husband didn't understand it. Nor did my mother. Most of my friends were childless. The rest *seemed* to be blissed out in exactly the way I knew I was supposed to be and wasn't.
The problem, though, wasn't motherhood, per se. It was a lifetime of surviving rape culture (barely). But motherhood brought it all to a head. How could it not?
What if we considered the child’s comment on how hard motherhood looks as a reflection of an exploitative social system that extracts the value of women’s work to feed capitalism’s hungry ghost?
Yes. For years I resented my mother’s resentment. Only since becoming a mother myself did I recognise the exhausting effort of masking the exploitation you so eloquently describe. She just couldn’t keep up the act around the clock.
I've also found, just in my own personal experience, that the clearer I am on what I actually resent, the less I direct it toward my children? It doesn't mean I don't get frustrated or overwhelmed in their presence anymore, but I'm able to call out to them what I'm feeling and thinking through, and how it has nothing to do with them, and actually invites great critical conversations between us (especially as they get older). That's something I certainly did not grow up around, and I think it would have helped me understand my own mother (and helped her understand herself) so much better.
Really interesting. How to communicate super nuanced, adult concepts to small people without burdening them but whilst also not perpetuating a harmful state of ignorance surrounding important feminist issues. Sounding a bit like… gendered emotional labour? Gaah!
I too resented my mother’s resentment and didn’t understand “why she always needed to be so miserable” (oof) until I became a mother myself. Would LOVE to know how you initiate these critical conversations and explain the cause of your frustrations, Amanda. An article topic? ‘Breaking the Cycle of Generational Resentment’? ‘Mapping a Way for Our Children to Understand Their Mothers’ Rage’? It all sounds good to me. 😆
The nuance to the topic is astounding, and you approach it so beautifully and thoroughly.
I have three children and I adore being a mom to them. But playing the role of a mother in our society is something different entirely.
Yes, exactly!
All of this. And also the collective has decided to take everything as a personal attack. I think examining why a pop star’s comments on a podcast are so triggering is the kind of work so many are unwilling to do.
Omg yesss
Chappell declared herself to have lost to the light in her own eyes earlier in the interview, when talking about how her work and fame have affected her. There’s always a bigger picture. I imagine many people throwing Roan under the minivan haven’t even listened to the whole interview.
And yes! Informed consent. MORE of this!
Great writing, Amanda, thank you. For me this debate always boils down to, 'Complaints about motherhood by straight women are often, in large part, complaints more rooted in the domestic inequity of heterosexual marriage and the failures of the nuclear family as a social and economic unit, rather than the work of caring for children.'
But also, there is no quota for writing. For those who are 'calling for' more positive depictions of motherhood, write them. Why waste time calling when you could be writing? Go forth and depict!
I mean, first off, anyone who doesn't understand that if you think you can come for Chappell Roan you have chosen the wrong woman is clearly not paying attention.
Also, I'm reminded of when my oldest was a nursing infant. I came into motherhood with so many culturally-encouraged expectations of the sort of mother I would be (absolutely committed, totally blissed out, happily nurturing 24/7) piled on top of a lifetime of untreated trauma at the hands of men (both family and not). The demands of (and judgments inherent in) attachment parenting, which I attached *myself* to like a drowning woman on a bit of flotsam, and on-demand breastfeeding flew in the face of the tiny bit of autonomy I had managed to claim for myself by that point in my life. In my adult-to-adult relationships, I was clear that NO ONE got to touch me and hurt me at the same time, but now I was supposed to be at the beck and call of a baby who needed intimate access to my body 24 hours a day, regardless if I was dangerously exhausted or the nursing literally hurt because of sores/infection or the child was teething and decided mommy was an appropriate chew toy?
I loved my son more than I had ever loved anyone. When it was sweet it was the sweetest. But when it was that ^^^, it was hell. And there was no one to take that to in order to make sense of it so I wouldn't just feel like a failure. My husband didn't understand it. Nor did my mother. Most of my friends were childless. The rest *seemed* to be blissed out in exactly the way I knew I was supposed to be and wasn't.
The problem, though, wasn't motherhood, per se. It was a lifetime of surviving rape culture (barely). But motherhood brought it all to a head. How could it not?
What if we considered the child’s comment on how hard motherhood looks as a reflection of an exploitative social system that extracts the value of women’s work to feed capitalism’s hungry ghost?
Yes. For years I resented my mother’s resentment. Only since becoming a mother myself did I recognise the exhausting effort of masking the exploitation you so eloquently describe. She just couldn’t keep up the act around the clock.
I've also found, just in my own personal experience, that the clearer I am on what I actually resent, the less I direct it toward my children? It doesn't mean I don't get frustrated or overwhelmed in their presence anymore, but I'm able to call out to them what I'm feeling and thinking through, and how it has nothing to do with them, and actually invites great critical conversations between us (especially as they get older). That's something I certainly did not grow up around, and I think it would have helped me understand my own mother (and helped her understand herself) so much better.
Really interesting. How to communicate super nuanced, adult concepts to small people without burdening them but whilst also not perpetuating a harmful state of ignorance surrounding important feminist issues. Sounding a bit like… gendered emotional labour? Gaah!
I too resented my mother’s resentment and didn’t understand “why she always needed to be so miserable” (oof) until I became a mother myself. Would LOVE to know how you initiate these critical conversations and explain the cause of your frustrations, Amanda. An article topic? ‘Breaking the Cycle of Generational Resentment’? ‘Mapping a Way for Our Children to Understand Their Mothers’ Rage’? It all sounds good to me. 😆
THANK YOUUUUUUU