I came out in 1994, and in the 90s the two main tropes about the lesbian experience were the "U-Haul" and "lesbian bed death," both rooted not in any notion of lesbian sexual (lack of) desire, but in heteronormative gender ideologies. I found myself on Google scholar this morning after reading this, wondering if there is any recent attention to the (sexless) lesbian marriage as shaped by/rooted in hetero-patriarchy, even as it is also a(n) (potential) escape from it.
So, too, I volunteer for my local queer youth drop-in center, and so many of them identify as asexual--again, queerness as an escape hatch, a route out of what Angela Chen (building on Rich) calls "compulsory sexuality"--which makes me wonder/realize how much the idea of "lesbian bed death" is generational and/or built on the linear presumption of a youth filled with sex and an adulthood of sex in decline.
God, never mind the association of sexlessness with death, and the impact of that association on those of us socialized into that framework.
I have many other thoughts and curiosities related to (the power to be found in) celibacy; I will stop here, but thanks for the inspiration!
Glad this exists, and putting it on my TBR list. Compulsory heterosexuality has entered the chat! And yes, exactly, no wonder it takes so many of us four fucking decades to even start questioning it.
I can’t wait to read “All Fours.” It’s been on my list for a little while and may need to rocket to the top. I appreciate so much this framing of the related themes, too. It makes me think of what Tara Brach describes as a “sacred pause” in her work on radical acceptance. I’ve privately called it “monk mode” to myself during seasons of frustrating singlehood. It’s amazing how much time and energy you can reclaim in these seasons of pause when you’re not actively engaging with the heteronormative industrial complex. I like the idea of this being a potential gift for both partners to embrace in midlife as well.
Yes! I have found that in “monk mode” I want to be sober AND able to access solitude. If only we as women and caregivers could have access to more moments like that. If anything the heteronormative industrial complex (HIC?) seems aimed at preventing that. Probably because that sacred space would show us how unnecessary and unappealing the HIC actually is.
Yes! It (and by that I mean patriarchy!) is absolutely aimed at preventing that! As well as the revolution that could come from the space reclaimed when women, BIPOC, folx with disabilities, queer and trans folx, etc were not having to constantly respond to oppression and violence.
"...our protagonist realizes that the stirring she felt during all that bland, infrequent marital sex was not the desire for another male partner or even an escape from her family or home or motherhood, but rather a face off between remaining forever stuck in her own unnamed, unexplored longings and a life lived in pursuit of continual surprise."
Brilliant. I love the curiosity and hope this suggests vs. the notion that an awakening requires starting all over - excising aspects one's life or roles.
I just finished All Fours and after spending the last few days ugly crying, laughing out loud and furiously underlining this brilliant perimenopausal bildungsroman, I went straight to your essay. I thought of your teaching and writing so much while reading this book! When she “outsourced a marital crisis” (and menopause), I thought of your recent interviews and research with women about intimacy. The scene where women are responding rapid fire to her deep and honest questions, “as if they had been waiting for someone to ask this very question,” it took my breath away. True dialogue about desire, joy, bodies, aging, ambivalence…. is the antidote to prescriptive love languages and doomsday proverbs.
I surprisingly haven’t heard the term “second adolescence,” though I am deep in the thick of it- indignant about conformity, pursuing pleasure, casting off shame (in three decades my personal restraints just shifted from Catholic high school in the south to middle class domesticity). A quick google search of “second adolescence” repeatedly says “it doesn’t exist” and basically offers a list of perimenopausal symptoms… unsurprisingly… Anyway, I appreciate how you point out that many of these midlife reckoning narratives reinforce compulsory heteronormativity. While I’m delighted with the trove of queer, questioning, poly, and divorce memoirs, I’m curious what fictions you all enjoying that are troubling this trope. Very inspired by this book and dialogue!
I came out in 1994, and in the 90s the two main tropes about the lesbian experience were the "U-Haul" and "lesbian bed death," both rooted not in any notion of lesbian sexual (lack of) desire, but in heteronormative gender ideologies. I found myself on Google scholar this morning after reading this, wondering if there is any recent attention to the (sexless) lesbian marriage as shaped by/rooted in hetero-patriarchy, even as it is also a(n) (potential) escape from it.
So, too, I volunteer for my local queer youth drop-in center, and so many of them identify as asexual--again, queerness as an escape hatch, a route out of what Angela Chen (building on Rich) calls "compulsory sexuality"--which makes me wonder/realize how much the idea of "lesbian bed death" is generational and/or built on the linear presumption of a youth filled with sex and an adulthood of sex in decline.
God, never mind the association of sexlessness with death, and the impact of that association on those of us socialized into that framework.
I have many other thoughts and curiosities related to (the power to be found in) celibacy; I will stop here, but thanks for the inspiration!
Love all of these brilliant threads, Monica.
Glad this exists, and putting it on my TBR list. Compulsory heterosexuality has entered the chat! And yes, exactly, no wonder it takes so many of us four fucking decades to even start questioning it.
It has entered the chat, indeed!
I can’t wait to read “All Fours.” It’s been on my list for a little while and may need to rocket to the top. I appreciate so much this framing of the related themes, too. It makes me think of what Tara Brach describes as a “sacred pause” in her work on radical acceptance. I’ve privately called it “monk mode” to myself during seasons of frustrating singlehood. It’s amazing how much time and energy you can reclaim in these seasons of pause when you’re not actively engaging with the heteronormative industrial complex. I like the idea of this being a potential gift for both partners to embrace in midlife as well.
Love a sacred pause!
Well said: "How much time and energy you can reclaim" ... "heteronormative industrial complex."
It is not dissimilar, to me, to the space that opens up when you quit (or take a break from) drinking alcohol.
Yes! I have found that in “monk mode” I want to be sober AND able to access solitude. If only we as women and caregivers could have access to more moments like that. If anything the heteronormative industrial complex (HIC?) seems aimed at preventing that. Probably because that sacred space would show us how unnecessary and unappealing the HIC actually is.
Yes to this—so many forces trying to remove our psychic autonomy
Yes! It (and by that I mean patriarchy!) is absolutely aimed at preventing that! As well as the revolution that could come from the space reclaimed when women, BIPOC, folx with disabilities, queer and trans folx, etc were not having to constantly respond to oppression and violence.
Ooh, I want to read this now!
It’s so good!
"...our protagonist realizes that the stirring she felt during all that bland, infrequent marital sex was not the desire for another male partner or even an escape from her family or home or motherhood, but rather a face off between remaining forever stuck in her own unnamed, unexplored longings and a life lived in pursuit of continual surprise."
Brilliant. I love the curiosity and hope this suggests vs. the notion that an awakening requires starting all over - excising aspects one's life or roles.
Yes love this read!
I just finished All Fours and after spending the last few days ugly crying, laughing out loud and furiously underlining this brilliant perimenopausal bildungsroman, I went straight to your essay. I thought of your teaching and writing so much while reading this book! When she “outsourced a marital crisis” (and menopause), I thought of your recent interviews and research with women about intimacy. The scene where women are responding rapid fire to her deep and honest questions, “as if they had been waiting for someone to ask this very question,” it took my breath away. True dialogue about desire, joy, bodies, aging, ambivalence…. is the antidote to prescriptive love languages and doomsday proverbs.
I surprisingly haven’t heard the term “second adolescence,” though I am deep in the thick of it- indignant about conformity, pursuing pleasure, casting off shame (in three decades my personal restraints just shifted from Catholic high school in the south to middle class domesticity). A quick google search of “second adolescence” repeatedly says “it doesn’t exist” and basically offers a list of perimenopausal symptoms… unsurprisingly… Anyway, I appreciate how you point out that many of these midlife reckoning narratives reinforce compulsory heteronormativity. While I’m delighted with the trove of queer, questioning, poly, and divorce memoirs, I’m curious what fictions you all enjoying that are troubling this trope. Very inspired by this book and dialogue!